So this is Blogging?!

So I have started this new 'phase' in my life, and I have called it "Operation Get Better". It's a weird one, because I know in my heart and in my head that something is wrong with me, but I am caught in this place, of total fear....I have been so great at being 'normal' for so much of my life that I have lost what I am actually feeling. Oh sure I feel sad or angry at any given time, but in an overall sense of life, I can't really say for certain that I actually FEEL anything. I know I am not overly happy, I know I am not overly angry, or sad, I think I AM. I simply exist from day to day, doing the best I can with what little tools my parents gave me to cope in a world that has so many day to day stresses.

I have been asked to attend this hospitalization program at my local hospital; it's really a outpatient service that offers group therapy as well as insight on coping skills and physiological things that contribute to our overall wellness, like diet, sleep, organizational skills, etc.

Stepping out of the elavator that first day was terrifying. With no idea of what to expect, I turned the corner to what seemed like the largest set of doors at the time. I had to read a myriad of signs in order to figure out that I was simply supposed to press a button and someone would unlock the doors. I really didn't know what to feel, my heart was racing as I walked through the doors to the room I was now going to sit in for the next several weeks of my life.
I entered the room to what appeared to be 2 normal women, one with a physical disability and one without. They welcomed me and offered some idle chit chat to make me feel comfortable.
That first day was a bit overwhelming insomuch as getting used to being on a "psych" ward and learning a bit about the people I was in this group with. Some cried all day, some slept in their place, some were very happy and chatty as others were quiet and listened. I wasn't so sure where I'd fit into the picture.

As the week went on I started to get tired, listening to these people who had such desperate lives by comparison to mine, most were suicidal or seriously depressed at this time, others simply wanted to talk and share. My problems seem insignificant by comparison. I don't want to come off to these people that I don't need the help, but I also don't want to come across as being as screwed up as them either. I really can't relate to any of them yet and that worries me, as I know the main component to group therapy is being able to relate. Most individuals in my group have a bi polar diagnosis and that is not what I have. they are able to feel, BIG TIME, and I simply can't. That's a huge difference. They have manic phases in their lives, I don't. They must be medicated for the rest of their lives, I will not.

The one thing I did notice that almost everyone in there shared, was their intellect. Most seemed highly intelligent, and only a few didn't. As well, most are completely unemployed and have been for years. They are all lower income than I am, except for one, who I would probably put in the same tax bracket, perhaps. She works for the gov't as well but is on disability leave right now.
I am the only one that is currently working, and working while doing the program.

Last night I went out to a family gathering and was speaking with my 'father' about the program. It made me very much uneasy, as he belittled my attendance stating that I wasn't the same as them. That I was in a different class and will find out that there is nothing wrong with me. That's when I realized just how good I have become at being 'normal'. He immediately blamed my mother for this 'phase' in my life. And although I suffered many years or mental and physical abuse at her hands, I found myself very quick to come to her defense. I told him that she wasn't the only one to blame and that if he had though twice about procreating with such a damaged women, I may not be in the place I was. I said it in my typical sarcastic, joking self, but I really meant every word I said.

Why would people that know they are damaged or with someone who is damaged allow themselves to bring children into this world without making a commitment to end the cycle? I simply don't understand this. Why would anyone that knew a child was in physical and mental danger allow them to continue to parent? I really wish I knew how 2 men that married my mother, could allow her to torment and abuse her children the way she did. In my mind they are guilty of the years of abuse we endured. And in my mind, they are all equally to blame for my brother's death.

The paradox is that I care for every one of them and perhaps even feel sorry for every one of them. They too did the best they could with the tools they were given to make it through life as they knew it. But where does that leave me, the last of the abused? Will I self destruct much like my brother or will I simply continue to BE?
I do know one thing, no matter how numb I am in my own skin, I will make damn sure I stop that cycle for my kids. They deserve so much better.