Anger? Sadness?

So I think I am angry. But I don't know at what. I don't even know if it's anger. How do you know if it's anger? I am sitting here playing a simple game of Zuma on the PC when I start having all sorts of thoughts run through my head. Like My Dad and his wife and all the wrongs I feel they have done to me. I know I am not perfect, and I have my place in our issues, however I can't seem to stop having very distinct images in my mind. Images of their faces, or recordings of conversations go through my mind as well. Then I think, who AM i angry with her or him or both? And WHAT am I angry at? Hell WHY am I angry, or maybe is sadness? I know I have fallen asleep many a night wondering why my parents don't overly care for me. They all seem to care for better things than me. Like my Mom. She is so damaged I have no idea what she cares for, but I know it's not me, maybe it's my kids? Then There's my Dad, he's an odd bird. As a kid he always made me feel wanted, even though I wasn't his biological child. Then when he and my mother split up he seemed to choose his new life over one with me. I know he says it was because I was a difficult teen and I didn't want anything to do with him, but frankly I think that was simply a cop out. Then we have the biological father. He's a difficult one to read. There is no doubt in my mind he loves my kids, but as far as feelings for me go, I am not so sure they extend that far. I get that he raised others instead and so his bonds will remain with them, but sometimes I feel he dislikes me lots. As if I am some constant reminder of the horrible woman he was once married to. A mistake or something.

I remember when my brother died, and I read his journals and letters that people had sent him. I remember one common thread through it all was how much he yearned for his father to love him, and yet he always felt inferior, like he was never good enough. Not only for his father but for Mom as well. I am only now beginning to get a glimpse into how he must have felt. A stranger in his own family. What little family he had really.

Growing up, he never had anything overly great to say about this other family I had no part in. Only that he had 2 other sisters that weren't all that bad for 'little' kids. He spoke of his father in limited conversations. I remember I used to ask about them all the time. I wanted to know what it was like to live in such a busy family. I envied him so much for having this big family when he was away from me. I always wanted him to take me with him, that just maybe his other 'mom' was nicer than mine. Maybe she didn't yell quite so much as mine. But he always used to say that the only family he and I had was each other, no matter what. He said his father always asked about me and never really asked about him. He said that his father had a new family now and really didn't have much time for him. His step mom wasn't his mom nor would she ever be. He was such an angry boy. Or was he sad? He was a boy and had his perception of things. Maybe they weren't all that wrong?

Now I am an adult and I wonder much the same as he did as a child. As a child, I never questioned where I belonged. I had a mother that no matter how mean she was, always said she was sorry and that she loved me, obviously she did, she was my mom. Moms HAVE to love their kids. Don't they? I had a dad who had adopted me. He must love me, right? He CHOSE to adopt me. And then I had another father. Boy was I lucky, I had 2 dads. You don't get much better than that do ya? Well I am still waiting for it to get good. Something more than 'duty'.

Sad thing is, I can keep waiting until I'm blue in the face, and nobody is going to say any more than I have already heard. No one is going to say "I love you", and no one is going to say "I am happy you are my kid", and nobody is going to say "I fucked up and am sorry". Nope, Nope, Nope, it's never going to happen.

So now I sit here, wondering, am I angry or am I sad?

Very confused,
Annie