Getting my ducks in order.

So I have been reading a lot of other people's blogs over the last few days, really simply to see what people blog about and get tips about how to blog. It's funny how you start by reading the one blog where you actually know the person, then you click on their links and then another and another and before you know it you are reading things from people you have no clue about whatsoever, yet feel some sense of pain or happiness for after having read a blog that you really had no intentions of reading in the first place. I started sniffing around looking for format ideas, then some titles caught my eye, wow oh wow, there are so many varieties out there, one has to be careful not to get too caught up with it all.

So it's Monday after the long weekend and I am already dreading going to work tomorrow. I have made a decision today that no matter how much I want to avoid tasks, that I will do my damn best to accomplish all that have been given to me in the next 2 weeks. I want them off my plate and I want out of the stupid group I am in. I am working on getting a routine back in my life and I know it has to flow into my work life no matter how unhappy I am there. If I change my way of approaching work maybe it will be easy to go to work every day.

I need something positive to look forward to, and quite frankly the way I am either picked on or neglected is not my idea of a fun day at the office. I know it's only for another short time so I will have to get over it. I plan to be back at work full time on September 2nd and getting back to a full time pay cheque. I am hoping that once the financial stress lightens up that work will be easier to tolerate. One of the reasons work became so difficult, was due to my breakup with Gerry and not having all my other ducks properly lined up.

Perhaps Gerry's departure would not have been so devastating if my finances and other stresses were not as great as they were? I need to get those types of things in order, and quite frankly I need to get over the years of betrayal I have suffered at the hands of my parents, my brother, previous men in my life and some friends as well.

I am not great at trusting, and when I finally made a choice to fully trust a man, well that proved to be a very poor choice. It's ironic though, in the past I was married to a man who I knew then and still believe would never have betrayed me, he was a good solid man. As well as had a child with another young, but basically solid guy, he would not have betrayed me. And hell, no matter how screwed up my the 3rd guy was, and remains, he would never have betrayed me either. I was the reason for all of those breakups. I wouldn't have known a normal relationship if it slapped me upside the head. At 21 it did, and I didn't, and went running for the hills at 26. I accidentally ended up with the second guy in my life long term, and he too has proved to be a decent guy in the end. The 3rd one, well I was right to kick him to the curb, but he is still for all his weaknesses, a decent man as far as his loyalty to me and the kids goes.

I knew I had to start trusting if I was ever to succeed where a normal relationship was concerned. I took well over 5 years off between guy number 3 and Gerry. I knew I was finally ready to take the jump and I chose to love and trust. I did this for 2 and a half years, with plenty of red flags along the way. I chose to ignore those flags chalking them up to my fear of intimacy. I simply figured my mind was playing tricks on me, and that I was looking for every excuse in the book to end the relationship. Well I held on, and boy what a ride! Now even though Gerry was a horrible cheating ass with addictions and issues of his own, all was not bad. I learned a lot from him.

First and foremost was that I was able to let my guard down and trust. Now, granted I did get burned in the end, but that's not the point. The point is I tried and I lived. It hurt like hell but I am guessing that with practice it gets easier? Man I am a slow learner! I wish there was a switch you could flick for it to simply turn off, change a fuse and try again.

Anyway, I know all is not completely lost and I will be normal some day...when, who the hell knows!

Later,
Broken Annie