Saturday Evening Post...

So this has been a rough week for me...I have been quick sick, and in bed pretty much til yesterday evening...my house is a disaster zone, laundry pile is ridiculously high and my back is shot, making it that much more difficult to catch up.

My dog was out with my neighbour, and apparently he runs with her, on the pavement / cement, not sure...all I know is that for the last few times she has come home bleeding and that gives me extra housework...I didn't realize til last night that he had started running with her...so I put a stop to that. Poor poochy!

Thanks to all that left a comment on my last post. I am still not too impressed with myself, however I lucked in to a small sum of money deposited into my account which came to almost the same amount I overspent, so I got lucky this time.

I was able to pay the bill I wanted to, a couple of days late rather that a week or so late.

I am trying to get ahead on all my bills, meaning, not owing when they come in because I have already made payments on them. I am close to this happening, as well as I am trying to get a full month ahead with my rent, that way if I have an issue I am somewhat prepared.

8 months of expenses is crazy to get on top of! YIKES!!! I figure if I can have one full month of rent and ALL my utilities paid in advance, I could then start putting the other 7 months of savings away in another account so I can't touch it.

Now if I could only get rid of my dog, I'd be able to save even more!!!

:)
Annie

Groovy Tuesday All...

So I fell off the 'Not Spending' band wagon on Friday. I was going away for the weekend with my son and spent WAY more than I should have...enough to make me hurt for the rest of this pay period. What the hell was I thinking?? The worst part is I can't take anything back...it's all been used!
I am so upset with myself....I have been doing so well since the summer, and for some reason I went over board....I was thoroughly irresponsible and I am disgusted with myself. Now I have to put off paying something that I was to pay today actually. Here's hoping I can make that to next week's pay. Stupid, stupid me! I really wish I knew what motivates me to be financially irresponsible...

Anyway...this was my confession...I needed to say it and not hide it.

Later,
Annie

Saving!

Well, I did it....I finally did it.....I put a plan in motion to start saving. It was hard to do, but I actually truly did it this time. I registered for the Payroll Savings Program (CSB) through work and now on my way to my first time saving for anything. I know that I should be saving a minimum of 10% of my earnings, but I think I will fall a little short of that. I think what I am deducting will put me at approx 8% give or take a little.

I am very proud of myself, I feel like a big girl now. I started keeping track of all my spending starting August 1st and I keep every receipt and log every penny spent. I have been faithfully following my budgets and now that I am back to work full time, I figured it was a great time to implement some sort of savings.

I have to admit, I felt a tightening in my chest when I purchased this. I have to look at why I felt this way. I know it wasn't a good feeling so why I would feel something painful when doing something so right, I have no idea. Any ideas?

Later,
Annie

Happy Election Day Canada!

So it's election day, and I have to say, I have not been a good Canadian citizen this time round. I usually watch the debates, read the platforms and get informed. This time round I am going in fairly blind. My kids keep asking me who I going to vote for, Blue, Red or Orange. My son is 12 and loves current events and reads a lot; in his expert opinion I should vote blue. My 8 year old daughter has a different opinion. She doesn't like the blue party's candidate name, she thinks he's a bit 'rude' (his first name is Royal) for thinking he is royalty, therefore I should vote red. I keep trying to explain to her that Royal IS his name, LOL.

So today I try to furiously scan the Internet with hopes of finding some valid info to go with....is it wrong to vote without having done all my homework? I would hate to vote simply to vote and then not make it count. I mean, I DO have some sort of idea of what I want to do, but it's just not as educated a decision as I'd like to make.

As a woman we have fought for so long to get that voting right, it can't be abused, misused or discarded.

Well, all I know is I have to vote, do my civic duty, and I guess a less educated guess that I had hoped for is better than a completely non educated guess at all. :)

Off to the polls,
Annie

Happy Thanksgiving or HTG as my daughter would say!

So it's Thanksgiving Monday, and I lived to tell!

I decided to go to the house for dinner, and Sarah came too...she wanted to see her friends so off we went. It was awkward but nice nonetheless. I got to chat with and get caught up with Wendy and Charles; it was great to see them again.
I pretty much stuck to Wendy like glue. Carol briefly said 'Hi' as I came in and then stuck to herself most of the night as well. She sat beside me at the table and we didn't speak at all. It was weird. She left without saying good bye to anybody.
We were gone by 8:00 or so.

So I just got a strange call. It was obviously an accident...

A couple of months ago, a friend of mine was supposed to move in with me. She was having financial difficulties and I thought I was helping her out by telling her she had a roof over her head for a few months if that is what she needed.
The day came when she was to move in and she didn't show. She called me several times that day and kept giving me various excuses as to why she wasn't there. Eventually by 10 that night it was obvious that she wasn't moving in.
I had cleared out a space for her in the house and had the kids rearrange some of their things to accommodate this move.
The next day she spoke with me and it was understood that she was to move in a few days later so I told her no problem and asked that she let me know if she changed her mind so that I could put everything back in order so the kids and I could get back to normal.
Well it's been a few months now and she still hasn't called.

I have no idea what I did as a friend other than be there for her and help her out when she was pretty low. I just figured it wasn't really about me and that she was simply one screwed up woman. I figured she changed her mind but was too embarrassed to tell me and just figured avoidance was easier....too bad, because I was/ am genuinely concerned about her and was worried that something horrible had happened; she leads a pretty seedy lifestyle so you never know what could have come of her.

So back to the phone call tonight... I got a call that was a wrong number, but I recognized the voice immediately....it was her, so I told her that she had the wrong number and said "Hi...it's me Annie...Ooopsy... you called the wrong number" her response was a very quick "oops is right!" and she said she would call me tomorrow and hung up.....

I doubt she will, but I really wish she would so I could be sure she was OK...

I guess that's the rescuer in me...the co-dependent....so I know I should simply just chalk it up to an Oops and forget about the call, she is a toxic friend and I need to cut ties with toxic friends / relationships.
It's a tough one for me, but I will be strong and not seek her out. I won't be disappointed if she doesn't call; I just have to remember IT'S NOT ABOUT ME... IT'S ALL ABOUT HER!

I've been used....and I guess that's that....chalk it up to experience....good thing about this is I don't feel like I did something, usually I think of it as something I did...but not this time...ahhh...I am growing...and it is nice to see that I recognize the signs this time!

Later,
Annie

Bi-Weekly Visit with Sanity Cindy.

So, I went to see Cindy, my Sanity specialist; I go see her every 2 weeks, pending my forgetting that I have an appointment. I have been doing well at it too...which makes me quite happy with myself. I seriously recommend that every person have their own Sanity Cindy. She is a light at the end of a tunnel. Everyone needs that in their life.

So I discussed dilemma number 2 with her today, very insightful it was! I just have to figure out how I am going to approach my weekend now. I may simply have to "Suck it up Buttercup" as my son puts it. :)

I am sure there are ways I can avoid her as my main trigger, however Cindy helped me realize that she wasn't the only issue I was having going out to the house for dinner. I have been feeling quite at odds with biological father (as discussed in earlier blogs) and that may be having something to do with it.

Several weeks ago, a 'family problem' was brought to our (sibling) attention. It was a biggy as far as I was concerned, but the child in me who is used to being accused of everything got VERY defensive. I knew something had been up before that email came out. I guess when it did I knew I was who was suspected as the culprit. I was torn with how to react. On one hand I wanted to defend myself, as I have been trained to do in the past, hoping to avoid a beating- physical or emotional, and on the other hand I didn't want to appear guilty as a lot of people do if they defend themselves.

Anyway, long story short, I have been avoiding going out to the house since then for fear of already having been judged. The parental units say they don't want to know who the guilty party is, but in my world that just can't be possible.

So I guess I figure I am to blame, whether I really am or not, as it looks like it was me...so I don't want to be judged for something that I didn't do.

That combined with being afraid of Carol just sucks. I am getting chest pains just thinking of it.

On that note, gotta run...not hide though :)

Annie

Dilemmas...

So I have 2 dilemmas to contemplate.

First, and probably the least difficult choice to make, yet still undesirable, would be talking to the adoptive step mother- Zoe about something she said to Sarah last night.

So the kids were out with her and my Dad last night, for supper. I have been having issues with Sarah about separation anxiety as well as a general anxiety that she seems to be going through. This has been going on for months, maybe even close to a year. She is well aware that I have been working on this issue with Sarah and that sleeping in her own bed, or coming in to my bed in the middle of the night has been an uphill battle for me to combat.
So anyway, doesn't she tell Sarah that it's OK to still sleep with Mommy, that Freda (her daughter) slept with her til she was 10 or more. Which I know isn't entirely true, as Dad was there a huge chunk of time by then.
Now I do realize that Sarah may have misunderstood what was being told to her, but I am just wondering if I should raise this issue with step mother to let her know that perhaps she should be aware of what she says to Sarah.
I had one hell of a time convincing her to sleep in her room after she came home, due to this conversation. It just takes so much out of me to have to help her work through this anxiety.

Do I send her an email or not? and If I do, how do I politely tell her to watch what she says?


Second dilemma. Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and I committed to going out to the other family's house for dinner. The kids and I were at the house on Sunday for supper and while we there were given the guest list. Now I am feeling very uncomfortable with one of the members on the list. I haven't seen them for several years but I still don't feel comfortable being there with this person. I know it doesn't make sense, and I can't explain the feeling other than fear. She makes me VERY uncomfortable when she speaks to me, very intimidating. Now that being said I DO realize that I haven't seen her in years, but I just don't like putting myself in situations that will trigger certain feelings in me. After just having gone through the past year that I have, I am in a good place, well a far better place than I was say 2 months ago....I don't want to go back to that place.
She hasn't done anything to me other than say some things that really made me feel horrible, and she probably has changed since then as well... but I just don't want to go there and worry about it. On the other hand other people on the list are people I am looking forward to seeing as they were very supportive and helpful to me in May when I was stuck out of town with the kids and couldn't drive due to my broken ankle. I would really hate to miss them.
The kids won't be with me, so it's not like the grand parents will miss me much with all the company they have. But if I decide not to go, how do I tell them that I won't be there?

Ahhhh...Life, full of fun stuff it is!!!!

:(

Annie

Update to "Week 3 Crazy Camp- back to the grindstone!"

So I thought I'd update any of you who are interested in the email to my Dad. It ended on a bad note, and I never did respond to his nasty reply. I decided to just leave it....pick my battles, and this just wasn't one worth going any further on. I stated my feelings and felt good about myself for doing so. His response was really not what mattered in the long run. The thing that mattered most was my ability to express my feelings in a sane productive manner. Which I thing I was successful in doing.

So since then my dad has come to see the kids a few times, and every time, except once he was on time. Which got me thinking...the one time he was late...and I mean really late, I had spoken to him that same day asking him what time he had planned on picking them up. They were alone and I didn't want them being alone for too long. I had to go do something and wasn't sure if I should go home first to ensure the kids wouldn't be alone too long...So I asked him to be there at 5, he said sure no worries...So I went and ran my errand, confident that he would be there. I called the kids at 5:15 to make sure they were with my Dad, but he had not yet arrived. I called again at 5:30, same thing, at 5:45 same thing. Well Dad showed up at 6:00 and not 5. I decided to say nothing to him.

I am now wondering if the mere act of me confirming with him makes him somehow rebel against it? Just a thought. It seems that when I didn't say anything or ask for anything he complied. I just think he is being very passive aggressive about it and is being a selfish jerk. There!!! I said it....wow...that was weird.

Anyway, he is supposed to be there tonight and I haven't said anything...I know it is his anniversary today as well so I really do expect him to forget and leave the kids hanging yet again. If he misses it, I will say something, at least I hope I do.

Oh and on a side note, he and the Mrs are moving next month. They are leaving the city and moving out to the valley....2 and a half hours away. The kids were quite sad. Surprisingly, I wasn't.

Later,
Annie

Operation Blow This Pop Stand!

So today begins the next phase of my self improvement....Operation Blow This Pop stand! I have been with this department for 10 years now and I am getting nowhere fast. The more I learn about co-dependency the more I learn that work life is a huge part of it. It explains why I allow myself to be treated the way I do in the office. Now it is time to stop that cycle.

I have been learning a lot about my organization type and realize that I am so not a good fit in the position I am currently in. I am also in a very volatile environment as far as workplace violence goes. So having been a victim of abuse as a child, this is definitely not the place for me. So now I have to decide, where to go, what to do?

The resume has been vamped and I am getting job alerts, so now it is time to take action and move on....to a new adventure.

Later,
Annie
:)

Far Too Long...

So It has been far too long since I blogged. I decided that it was quite helpful while I was doing it over the summer that I would make more of an effort to keep it up.

I didn't read over the past blogs so I have no clue if I was on any particular train of thought or not.

So I have finished 'Crazy Camp' and things are looking much better. I am back to work full time, and looking forward to when I start getting a full paycheck. That should be my first pay in November...Thank goodness....I haven't missed work since I came back full time just after labour day, so that is a big help.

I am getting much better at not forgetting things, thanks to my online calender....I love that tool, it has been a life saver. I have been getting my house in order and work as well. It feels great. I started attending a four week workshop called "CO-DEPENDENCY WORKSHOP: CLAIMING MY OWN IDENTITY". It is very interesting and I am learning lots. I go every Monday night and tonight is week 3. When this workshop is done I have decided to take the next four week workshop called "FAMILY OF ORIGIN" " It looks like it'll be more fascinating....it deals with family systems and their impact on the individuals within the family. The workshop is full....about 40 people I'd say...people from all walks of life, which actually surprised me. I figured it would be full of 'crazy' people....crazier than I am! :)

Anyway, I am liking it and seem to be coping better than I expected now that I am back to work full time. I am actively seeking employment elsewhere as this place is a nut house and not overly functional, which doesn't really help me stay sane.

I am practicing keeping up with all my personal stuff, like ensuring my paychecks are correct, I was chocked to find all the errors from when I was working half weeks...and NOT in my favour!. I am keeping track of ALL of my spending and earning....I keep receipts for everything and track it ALL. I am actually enjoying budgeting and not loathing it as I had in the past. Now when I do something I know I can afford it and that I earned it without being behind with my every day bills. I have been making lunches most of the time and eating healthier because of it. I am not letting the house 'go' and we are keeping up on it as a family, which is a nice change.

I have started physiotherapy and doing my exercises regularly. I have been walking at lunch time, except today as my back and foot are way to sore today. I am using the Wii Fit and doing balance exercises as well....man what a wake up call using that is!

I am doing things for me and not for what I think I should be doing. It has been an eye opener. I am loving my hypnosis and feeling better all around. Sarah (aka my daughter) said something to me the other day that I found incredibly insightful, and she didn't even realize how powerful what she said was... We were outside Friday evening and it was quite brisk out, she was wearing a hooded sweater and a hooded jacket. Her hair was messy and crazy and the wind was blowing it all over so she put her hood up. When I insisted she take it off as it looked bad, she promptly replied with: " It doesn't matter what I look like Mommy, it's how I feel that matters, and I feel good wearing it." I was so proud of her...now here's hoping she remembers that when she's a teen! :)

Anyway, I am glad to be back...I look forward to more updates on a regular basis.

Later, Annie